1 Step Forward… 2 Steps Back

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I change my clothes and then I am there reminded of how life has changed,

Reminded that I am not the same.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

My scars are what I face everyday making it hard to run away.

They take me back to that day,

when I learned my breast needed to go away.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

The words are like a hollow sound.

You’ll be fine and beat cancer down.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I don’t want reminders, I want to move on.

I want to survive, I want this cancer gone.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I go out shopping and catch a smell,

that takes me back to chemo hell.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I want to be free. I want to move on as I pull on the sleeve that compresses my arm.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

It’s a beautiful day is what I say as I try to go out and seize the day,

but all it takes is a bump on my chest to pull me back to that time of unrest.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

They say you’re all better the cancer is gone

but how was I to know that you still struggle on?

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

It’s in the past move forward they say,

but unwanted reminders just wont go away.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I see the scars in the mirror.

I feel the numbness in my chest,

and there’s the pain in my arm that’s just a swollen mess.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

How do you make them understand this isn’t something that I planned?

I did not know this is how I would feel,

I did not know I would carry the trauma still.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

The echo of cancer still lingers on,

I hear it in my appointments, in my scars and in my arm.

I battle it in moments when I am pulled back in time,

struggling with a memory of the hardest of times.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

The struggle is real and will continue on,

I need you to understand the person you knew is gone.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I am forever changed by my journey to live.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I may be different and I am not the same,

I am still here as I go through this change.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I’m one of the lucky ones I made it through,

but my life now has a very different view.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

My association with cancer will never be gone.

The struggle continues and we must fight on.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I have sisters now who understand…

all the struggles in “cancer land”.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

They listen to me through all the tears,

through all the setbacks and the fears.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

These are the ladies who do understand,

they lend you their strength when you are on shaky land.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

They get it these ladies who have walked this path,

They provide support and peace and sometimes just a laugh.

1 STEP FORWARD – 2 STEPS BACK

I am happy to be here, but I must tell my truth,

The struggle is not over when the doctors are through.

My sisters know how hard it’s been, when we have lost so many friends.

We band together through IBC,

They make the journey better for me.

So for now I live 1 step forward 2 steps back, but I am not alone as I find my way back.

Cindy Kearney was diagnosed in May of 2013 with inflammatory breast cancer, a day burned into her memory. She sent us this piece she wrote, expressing her feeling of living with IBC but also to reflect her gratitude for the support and understanding she receives via an online facebook IBC support group. Like most women, Cindy had not hear of IBC until her own personal diagnosis. She lives in California.